I would like to reiterate a few things before I get started. They are things that are obvious to full-time participants in this lovely community, but for those who are here for their own agendas, they are not so obvious.
So let me lay them out:
1.) This is a BLACK WOMAN-CENTRIC community, and the priority is always BLACK WOMEN’S issues and BLACK WOMEN’S dating and relationship choices.
2.) I, myself, am not a feminist. I wrote an article as to why and I encourage anyone that feels a way about that admission to read the linked article.
3.) I am perfectly aware that not all white women are guilty of the behavior below. However, I will not be derailed into hearing sob stories about why this “doesn’t represent me, because I…”
Please apply the advice at the VERY END of this post if you are not guilty of the behavior that will be described in detail.
I’ve been a member of this community for a LONG time now.
During that time, I’ve observed a certain pattern of behavior from visitors. Particularly, visitors who only make their presence known on certain topics.
I don’t believe in words or mere coincidences; it is a person or group’s patterns of behavior that show me where their true interests lie.
When it comes to black men, they typically* are only active in this space for one of these reasons:
Because these men are more active (and frequently banned), it is easier for some to observe the truth of these specific patterns.
However, white women aren’t as active on this site. Which isn’t surprising because this is a black woman-centric interracial relationship space. (That is, centered on BW/non-BM relationships and concerns.)
I have been around here long enough to recall the very specific instances when we have heard from white women. Unfortunately, this leads some to be confused as to the motives of most of the white women who lurk this community, only appearing at certain moments.
Well, after taking in yesterday’s popular discussion (which I would like to note was NEVER aimed at white women in the first place…), I’ve decided that their presence is typically made known for one of these reasons.
Note: Again, for the white women who feel these do not apply…please carefully read the BOLDED SECTION at the end of this article.
I am going to re-post a comment that someone made about last night’s discussion. Both because it inspired this article and because it perfectly demonstrates the disconnect some white women have regarding black woman-centric issues and history:
This comment was interesting to me because this person declares her whiteness in addition to her strength and pride.
She then states that she pities us black women who choose to reject being called “strong black women“; somehow this means we lack both strength and pride.
Maybe this woman didn’t mean to throw her white privilege in our faces. Maybe she did.
What I will say is that often, white women who show up to derail discussions of black women’s issues do so because they cannot comprehend a reality where a white woman-centric view is NOT the default point of view.
White women rage at the “damsel in distress” or “weak and frail” tropes when it works against them. They hate benevolent sexism or being protected by men when it works against them.
Therefore, words like strong and independent are ALWAYS words that make them happy because they’ve always competed to be seen as “strong and independent” women. Because of that, these words have a completely different meaning for white women than they do for black women!
Over at the Gradient Lair a blog post called “Human Being Here; Find Your ‘Strong Black Woman’ Stereotype Elsewhere” demonstrates the struggle some black women have with the SBW stereotype:
The problem with racist controlling images meant to affirm White supremacy and dehumanize Black women is that Black people have internalized said images and even start to believe that they are “positive” ones.
One of these images is the “Strong Black Woman” which is supposed to be a “positive” embodiment of the very negative controlling images of Sapphire and Mammy, but as we well know, binaries in patriarchy or White supremacy never truly have a “winning” or “positive” side.
In other words, black women are MORE LIKELY to develop a positive association with “strong black woman” due to internalizing a LONG history of racist stereotypes than anything remotely resembling FREE WILL. What has been used to systematically strip black women of our humanity and womanhood cannot be universally accepted as a sign of progress.
BLACK WOMEN HAVE ALWAYS BEEN STRONG IN AMERICA.
We are not strong as an answer to sexism and the Patriarchy; we are strong because we were never gifted the option to be anything else.
We are the living, breathing embodiment of “sink or swim”.
There is nothing empowering about African American women living their existence on the threshold of doom with no one to care about whether you survive, and a black community that doesn’t give a single damn about whether the women perish.
White women who will think they know what this is like need to consider the very real “Missing White Women Syndrome”. There is no such equivalent for any other group of minority women in America.
The silence of white women on this topic and careful preservation of this simple norm, even as THOUSANDS OF BLACK WOMEN VANISH speaks volumes.
You would think some white women, who are perfectly aware of the “angry woman” stereotype would have some sympathy regarding the “angry black woman” stereotype.
But then, these women have only had their “anger” dismissed because of their gender. They’ve not dealt with the double-whammy of anger being attributed to their race as well as their gender.
This is why when they are speaking with women of color (because not just black women get hit with this…), they tend to assume that the “angry woman” trope no longer applies.
Except that yes, it does.
Now, after what I said in the first part, someone might assume that I am angry, that I hate white women, and that I’m a big old meanie that wants to make them cry!
Ah, White Women’s Tears (TM)!
The endless sob stories about how it’s more important that I know that someone’s feelings were hurt than the person in question know that what they said/did was racist or otherwise offensive.
This is why half the time I roll my eyes at white women who pat themselves on the back for being strong. When dealing with men? Yeah…you’re so strong.
But as soon as a black woman calls you out for your trifling behavior, here comes the tears and the need for everyone to coddle you and see YOUR side.
And here comes everyone out with swords ready to slay ME, the “big black dragon”.
You would think that a group that is constantly saying this about men, especially white men, would be able to recognize this undesirable trait in themselves. I guess we can blame that on the Johari window.
We were all treated to a bevy of white women showing up to claim they weren’t the slightest bit worried about black women dating interracially. They admonished us for even talking about it.
WOMEN ARE WOMEN! IT DOESN’T MATTER!
I couldn’t help but notice I’d never seen any of those women step up to defend the black women of this community from threats, insults, and silencing tactics meant to discourage us from expanding our dating option.
I also really hope some of those women were among the anonymous donators that stepped up recently when our community was the victim of a vicious attack and slander campaign.
Because otherwise, I am going to believe that many non-black women who lurk this site and community do so because they are keeping an eye on the competition.
Because we ARE competition.
And all is fair in love and war.
This is where some black women stumble when dealing with white women who actively c*ck-block under the guise of “friendship”.
These women will whine at us about black women being “jealous” of them out with their black husband or boyfriend (even though we routinely drag NBABM women in these parts…), but then give the white man on our arm the third degree for prefering a dark-skinned, kinky-haired black woman to their white counterpart.
It is these type of women who cannot stand the idea of black women being loved and desired MORE THAN THEY because they cannot function in a world where they have to compete.
Just like some black men feel that they need only show up and be black to get a black woman, some white women feel that all the world should fall at their feet because they are white.
These individuals are nasty and they are not to be trusted. They will not support you or defend you, but expect you to lend them your support unconditionally.
They will call themselves allies and supporters of your right to expand your dating pool, but they keep their white male friends and family members far from you and give you backhanded compliments about your beauty or your success in the dating arena.
White women who are NOT racist, and who do not participate in these behaviors […] Step up and speak out against white women who act out in this racist and problematic manner. Call them out on it every time you observe it online and in life and let them know that it’s unacceptable.
In other words, your problem shouldn’t be with me and my blunt, lengthy dissertation of white women entitlement issues. Your issue shouldn’t even be with white women being called out for blatant c*ck-blocking.
Finally, I did not write this article because I am in any way, shape, or form concerned about how white women feel about this observation. I wrote it to help black women clear the air about their encounters with white women in this space who do more harm than good.
As I said at the very beginning, WE ARE ABOUT BLACK WOMEN FIRST AND FOREMOST. We agree and disagree with each other, but we are STILL black women who care about each other and want the best for each other!
Time has LOOOOONG run out for black men who claim to feel this way and do not act in a way that demonstrates it. White women thinking they will be getting a pass in the name of shared womanhood are sorely mistaken.