Hello, Christelyn –
I realized as I started typing this that it’s been almost a year since I
wrote anything meaningful on your blog. I moved back to San Francisco a
year ago, got married, started my current job, etc. But it’s not just the
high level of personal changes that contributed to my absence; I have also
consciously started weaning myself away from social media in general. After
some reflection, I figured out that it was producing extremely low value
for the amount of time it took out of my life, so I’ve stopped commenting
on blogs, etc. I never had a Facebook account (the mere thought is
completely abhorrent and repellent to me), so I didn’t need to stop that,
but I have cut back considerably on the amount of time I spend reading
blogs online, and, I have cut back my active participation on those blogs
At the same time, I have started writing a book of short stories, so that
is also a great reason to curtail social media activity, as there is a
finite amount of me and a finite amount of hours in the day, and time spent
writing on blogs is a subtraction from my other writing.
I say all this only as a prelude to the explanation of why I haven’t been
around, and I’m going to trot out a time-worn clichÃ© in the service of that
explanation: “It’s not you, it’s me”. LOL.
Anyway, I thought some of your readers that have been around for awhile
might enjoy an update on the women that went to my first party when I was
still in the DC area (Takoma Park, MD), and, as a bonus, I’ll tell you
about the same sort of soiree I had here in S.F. this summer.
BTW, I see that a lot of the women you had as readers are now gone. Very
unfortunate; I liked a great many of them. But it seems that your current
readers are an informed and aware bunch, and except for the ones that are
evil-doers obviously masquerading as black women, I really like what they
have to say.
Here we go!
First, so I don’t have to spend too much time (and space) setting up the
background, it’s important that they go here first, or they will be lost:
Then, after that, just as important, here:
The new format of your comments means you have to start at the bottom in
terms of chronology, it seems.
OK, now that everyone is up to speed, let me give you the epilogue on the
party-goers from MD.
The first couple not only (impulsively) got married in June while on
holiday in New Zealand, she became pregnant in September, so she is
expecting in June of 2012. Wow! That was a quick boy-meets-girl,
boy-marries-girl romance. So I’m taking credit for that one.
The second woman, the Earth Mother/hippie chick/black bohemian, is
basically MIA. I know she went to Argentina with a female friend of hers
and then somehow got a grant from some government organization while she
was there, and so she is still there, not making a lot of money, but
enjoying the change of scenery. No idea about who she is dating because
it’s tough to get her on Skype or to get her to respond to an email.
The third woman? That’s like a mini-series all by itself. The guy who was
my husband’s former colleague was just crazy about her, and everything
seemed great, but she broke up with him a few months later. She said she
always felt stupid around him, and she said she felt really insecure, like
he was going to break up with her sooner or later because she wasn’t smart
enough for him, or as culturally sophisticated as he was. Plus, she was the
only black woman he had ever known, much less dated, so she said she was
sure he secretly wanted a white girl (the fact that he was the only white
guy she ever dated, and therefore he could have had the same concerns but
ignored them was not relevant, I guess). So from her point of view, she
pre-empted the inevitable by breaking up with him first. This, despite the
fact that she said everything was great – the similar interests, the sex,
his family’s acceptance, etc. Really, I could have killed her. I wish I
could’ve reached through that phone and slapped her. He was thrown for a
loop, apparently. He tried to get back together with her a couple of times,
but she rebuffed him. And she never told him why she broke it off.
This gets worse. On the rebound, she started dating a “promoter” in DC, a
guy that she said “made things happen”. I’m not going to bore you with the
sordid details, but within a few months, the brother made the following
things happen: Her bank account was drained, including her 401K (she said
she was investing in their future together), her credit cards were maxed
out, he was using her car every day for “business”, he was entertaining
other women in her apartment, and he told her he loved her, wanted to marry
her and thought they would make pretty babies. She finally broke it off
when she found out he was cheating on her, but now she’s broke and
broken-hearted. What a mess. She is now seeing another (black) guy, who
seems like a pretty nice, pretty good, straight-ahead guy from her
description, but she says he’s kind of low-key and boring, and she’s
getting bored with him. You know, you try to be understanding as a friend,
and you try to help with someone’s “issues”, but at some point, you just
have to stand back and let them make their own way through this world.
This summer I did it again, with some of my friends here. Four single black
women in their early 30’s/early 40’s, four single white guys the same ages,
two white couples, one BW/WM married couple, two Hispanic couples (one
married), and one married Asian couple. And then, my husband and me. A big
dinner party, actually, and we had people eating off plates everywhere in
our apartment. Everyone vetted for optimum matching possibilities.
Again, I almost invited a black couple. I wanted to, but then I
reconsidered and thought that the danger to the black women was just too
great; I thought some of them might be thrown off or feel guilty about
chatting up a white guy if there was a married black couple there, or, if
the black guy got drunk and started being a jerk. So I chickened out and
didn’t invite the black couple I had in mind.
Well, before I say anything else, everyone got completely drunk and
hammered, and they all seemed to be happy drunks, too. So that was fun. The
music was great, some people were playing cards, some people were talking
about movies, some people were talking about politics, and it was fun. So
much fun, and it went on until 3:30 AM when my husband started kicking
people out. But no one left before then. Not too shabby for old people,
However, only one guy asked for one of my girl’s numbers. One guy! Now,
they are still going out, they’re a monogamous couple, so that’s good, but
I was hoping for more results. My husband said I let my previous results
get my expectations up too high, and besides, he said, there could be some
things percolating that we don’t even know about. That’s true. But, I was
hoping for more; everyone was just having a blast, and they all still talk
about the party, and tell me that they want to be invited again if I have
another. I guess at the very least it gave some sistas a chance to expand
their potential spectrum of dating partners and an opportunity to get used
to talking to some eligible white men in a relaxed, friendly social
setting. Who knows? Maybe that will be the springboard for a successful
relationship with someone else in the future, right? It sure can’t hurt.
I’m still feeling like I did something of value for my girls, even if the
effects are not apparent immediately. I hope this coming-together has
piqued some interest on both sides of this equation, and both the white men
and the black women who attended now look at the other (in aggregate) as a
practical choice for a life partner. Just like they would with any other
race of partner. And if that seems a little too lofty a goal for a dinner
party to some people, that’s okay – I genuinely feel like it did something
Now it’s time to stop analyzing it.
That’s the recap of the previous one and the overview of the new one. I’m
sending this by email to Christelyn so she can post it on the site if she
wants, but I think I’m going to bow out here (gracefully, I hope). I wish
all of you the best of luck in pursuing your individual goals. I hope we
run across each other again someday.
Black Queen Bee
Update TODAY from BQB:
BTW, my friend in DC has started seeing the “promoter” again. She says
they have both promised to make a “fresh start” of their relationship and
leave the past behind.
My first question was whether or not he would be paying back all the money
he took from her as part of his fresh start. She got very irate with me,
and said I should be supporting her in her life goals, that I shouldn’t be
a “hater”. I told her her I didn’t hate her, I loved her, but I was feeling
decidedly un-Christian towards her no-good man. Then she said I wouldn’t be
happy until she was with a white man.
When I stopped laughing, I replied that I had zero interest in steering her
towards a specific race; my only concern was that she get a damn clue and
choose a man that would be an asset to her and love her truly and deeply,
as opposed to a man that was just looking for a gravy train to hop onto.
Then she hung up on me. Sigh.
Tough love is tough for both the giver and the recipient.