Question of the Week

On Vetting: “How the Heck Do You Do That?!”

I got this letter a while back and I didn’t answer right away because it’s such an important question, and I just don’t take this stuff lightly.

Dear BB&W:

I would love your advice on some things that have been stressing me. I am ashamed to say I’ve never gotten this far in relationship minded

Subject: Vetting

How do you know if you vetted well?
How do you know if you are settling?
What do you think of men you say adore?
Although he says he’s very happy and need not look any further, because of my very SERIOUS LACK of experience, I’m wondering is it safe to say yes? Really, I don’t know what to do? Some things about him I don’t approve, but he does make an effort when I mentioned anything that bothers me.
What if I’m stupid and let this guy pass and missed out on love, fun and a future I’ve been wanting for ever?!


Lots of us talk vetting in the BWE blogospere and some of us really know what we’re talking about, and some of us need to take a seat on this. I’m kind of in the middle. I chose The Hubster well, but before him I sucked major donkey butt when it came to choosing men. It wasn’t until I had Maxi Me and felt a tremendous responsibility to her that I honed in to what was really important for me. And what’s important for me might not be so for the next girl, so it’s for that reason that your vetting radar has to be a bit flexible. For me, I wanted someone who was smart (a must), taller than me, not hideous to look at, came from a nice family, and valued home, family and marriage.

But don’t let having a kid be the reason you get your head on straigth when it comes to finding Mr. Right. What I think we miss from the rotating vetting conversations is something very simple–TRUSTING YOUR INSTINCTS. I once dating someone that literally imparted a sense of DREAD whenever we had a conflict. I noticed his behaviors, his rationalizations, his epic selfishness for about five microseconds, felt the dread, but stifled it. I remember being deep in this particular relationship and so embroiled I felt I couldn’t leave and my only option was to pray. Before I could say, “Our Father, who art in…” Something said in my mind, “GET OUT!! GET OUT!!” Did I ask, “Uh…God, is that you?!”


I ignored it.

Every. Single. Sign.

I pushed it out of my mind. Guess how it ended? Ladies, give yourself some credit…if it feels wrong and you feel THE DREAD just GET OUT!!!

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