We’ve all heard the stories before. Someone receives an e-mail from their future spouse on the very last day before their online dating subscription is set to expire. Another finally tries online dating after years of reluctance and meets their soul mate within the first week. A friend who was late for an appointment, missed their train, or was dragged kicking and screaming to a party meets the love of their life through a chance encounter. It’s true that Cupid often decides to strike his arrow at some of the most fortuitous moments. It makes me wonder, when it comes to finding that special someone, what’s luck got to do with it?
For someone who was born on the 7th day of the 7th month of 1970, I’ve obviously never been exceptionally lucky in love. I’ve tried to change my luck by sending mental vibrations to the universe through repeating positive affirmations, by creating both psychological and physical space for another, and, as I discussed last week, writing down all the traits of my ideal partner so at least I’ll know how to recognize him when he finally shows up. I’ll admit there were times I made it difficult for luck to find me by throwing mental roadblocks in its way. The following is a passage from Diana Kirschner’s Love in 90 Days reminded me of some of the inner work I had to do before I could even think about dating again:
One of my dear mentees, Alicia, a lovely plus-size gal, got her heart broken bad! She developed the relationship killing beliefs that she was “unlovable” and “Men are jerks.” In the context of these limiting beliefs, when she started to date again, she only saw men as either jerks or, if she really liked a guy, started to worry he wouldn’t be interested in her. . . To break out of her pattern and become free from the chain to her past, I helped Alicia 1) Truly let go of the past painful experiences through forgiveness, finding the larger meaning and being grateful for what the experience taught her and 2) Learn to create more empowering, positive beliefs about her present and future. . . Suddenly, Alicia was overwhelmed with responses from some really terrific men. And, now she is with a truly wonderful man in the relationship of her dreams.
It’s a lovely story, but I’m doubtful about how “suddenly” life changed for Alicia, as if her new attitude magically conjured up her dream man in some sort of Field of Dreams, if-you-build-it-he-will-come miracle. Certainly Alicia needed to change her attitude before she was ready for a real relationship, and I concur that you can only receive blessings with an open hand, but that doesn’t mean Prince Charming instantly appears on your doorstep as soon as you think you’re ready. To quote Benjamin Franklin, “Diligence is the mother of good luck.” The exercises that helped me visualize my goals have made me more open, inspired and prepared for love, but they never make me feel particularly empowered. In chapter 12 of If I’m so Wonderful, Why am I Still Single, Susan Page writes:
“Most people make the mistake of visualizing only their final goal. They don’t think about the process they will need to go through on the way to achieving their aspirations. Goals are achieved by breaking them down into specific intermediate objectives [and] each objective must be manageable, meaningful, measureable, and monitored.”
Therefore, if my objective is to place myself in situations that will most likely introduce me to eligible men to date, then I need to come up with some tasks to achieve it, set a deadline for the completion of these tasks and then access the outcomes of said tasks with a mentor, and/or (in my case) blog readers. So to be honest, most of the events I’ve been attending so far have been a giant FAIL. The Meetups I joined that seemed likely to attract a decent amount of professional, single men are all about to be shut down from inactivity. My other groups are either full of single females, singles approaching their “golden years,” or tend to attract a smattering of social misfits and deviants who always like to share a bit of TMI about their personal lives. Undeniably, the largest pool of eligible men still exists online. Although my Match.com profile has not generated many responses, it at least manages to uphold the illusion of possibilities. 775 men viewed my profile over the last three months and after deleting the absolutely undateable from my inbox, 200 remained that actually sparked enough interest to initiate some sort of contact, and I exchanged at least a few emails with about two dozen of those. In most cases, they all stopped communicating before we ever got a chance to meet. I’ll never understand why after exchanging a few pleasantries with a guy, he can’t bother to follow through with just one date as if I told him that I recently contracted an infectious disease or I was on my way to Macy’s to pick out our wedding china.
All things considered, I am a spiritual person and not so arrogant as to thumb my nose at the mysterious workings of the universe. In fact, not long ago, I decided to disclose my real age in my profile because it really wasn’t helping me out much and the misrepresentation had become tiresome to explain. I also rewrote my personal message (again) which now describes my ideal man as, “Someone who likes to experience new things, is liberal-minded and views the world from a global, multi-cultural perspective – even when looking for his soul mate.” The very next day I was matched with a 42 year-old man looking for a woman between the ages of 38 and 45 who probably doesn’t want to have children. He’s quite an attractive mix of Thai and Canadian and something which makes him look a little bit like reggae/rap artist Shaggy. He was schooled in London and is currently self-employed as an industrial contractor with business partners in Dubai and he just moved to my neighborhood! Could it be that Cupid is up to his old tricks again? Have one of these magic moments ever happened to you?